Being a ‘Nice Guy’: Why It Doesn’t Work (and What to Do Instead
- First Step Men's Therapy
- Jul 23
- 4 min read
By a Therapist Who’s Seen It Too Many Times
Let’s talk about a type of guy you probably know—or might even be: the Nice Guy. He doesn’t like conflict. He puts others’ needs before his own. He’s polite, agreeable, and reliable. He tries hard to be what he thinks everyone wants him to be.
Sounds like a good person, right? So what’s the problem?
As therapists, we see a lot of men dealing with Nice Guy Syndrome—and while the intentions are good, the impact often isn’t. Underneath that pleasant exterior is usually someone feeling anxious, resentful, unfulfilled, or even angry.
Let’s unpack why being a “Nice Guy” doesn’t work—and more importantly, what to do instead.
What is “Nice Guy Syndrome”?
Nice Guy Syndrome (a term popularized by Dr. Robert Glover) refers to men who believe that if they’re nice enough, agreeable enough, and accommodating enough, they’ll get love, approval, and success in return. It’s not just about being kind—it’s about suppressing your needs, hiding your flaws, and trying to avoid conflict at all costs.
Nice Guys often:
Struggle with boundaries
Avoid difficult conversations
Suppress anger or frustration
Seek validation through people-pleasing
Feel guilt or anxiety when prioritizing themselves
It may look like perfectionism, over-apologizing, or staying in unhealthy relationships. These guys often say things like:
“I don’t want to rock the boat.”
“I’m just trying to keep the peace.”
“If I do everything right, I’ll be loved.”
Spoiler: that strategy rarely works.
Why It Doesn’t Work
On the surface, being the Nice Guy seems like a safe bet. You’re liked, right? People may appreciate you, but deep down, you’re not being authentic. And that catches up to you. Here’s how:
People Sense Inauthenticity: When you always agree or avoid conflict, it can come off as disingenuous. Others may not trust you—or they may take advantage of you.
You Build Resentment: Pushing your own needs aside doesn’t make them disappear. Eventually, resentment builds, and it leaks out through passive-aggressiveness, emotional shutdown, or explosive anger.
Relationships Stay Shallow: Without honesty and vulnerability, relationships lack depth. You may be liked, but you might not feel truly seen or connected.
You Burn Out: Pleasing everyone is exhausting. And it’s a fast track to anxiety, depression, and burnout.
The Root of the Problem: Fear and Shame
Many people-pleasing men learned early on that showing emotion, setting boundaries, or expressing anger wasn’t safe. Maybe you were rewarded for being the “easy” kid. Or punished for speaking up.
As adults, Nice Guys often feel deep shame when they consider asserting themselves. Underneath the surface, many carry beliefs like:
“If I say no, I’ll be rejected.”
“If I’m honest, I’ll hurt someone.”
“If I take up space, I’m selfish.”
Therapy often reveals that these beliefs are old survival strategies—useful at the time, but harmful now.
What to Do Instead: Be Real, Not Just “Nice”
There’s nothing wrong with kindness—but it needs to be rooted in authenticity. Therapy can help you shift from being a Nice Guy to being a Good Man: someone honest, self-aware, respectful, and assertive.
Here’s how therapy helps:
1. Learn to Set Boundaries
A therapist can help you notice where you say “yes” when you mean “no,” and how to express your needs clearly and respectfully. Assertiveness therapy is especially useful here.
2. Develop Emotional Awareness
We often teach men how to identify emotions like anger, sadness, and shame—not just suppress them. This opens the door to real connection.
3. Challenge Old Beliefs
You’ll explore where your people-pleasing tendencies come from and how to rewrite the inner scripts that say you have to earn love by sacrificing yourself.
4. Practice Assertive Communication
Assertiveness is not aggression—it’s the ability to express your thoughts, needs, and limits without guilt or apology. And it’s a skill that can be learned.
5. Work Through Shame
Many Nice Guys carry deep shame about being “too much” or “not enough.” Therapy helps you face that shame with compassion and move beyond it.
The Payoff: Confidence, Connection, and Respect
When you stop trying to be who you think people want, and start showing up as your full self, amazing things happen:
You gain confidence
You attract healthier relationships
You feel more energized and grounded
You earn respect—not just for being nice, but for being real
This isn’t about becoming a jerk or swinging to the other extreme. It’s about becoming integrated—someone who can care for others without abandoning yourself.
Ready to Drop the “Nice Guy” Act?
At First Step Men’s Therapy, we specialize in helping men break out of old patterns and build better lives. Whether you’re struggling with Nice Guy Syndrome, people-pleasing, or just feel stuck, we’re here to help.
We offer in-person therapy across Ontario, with offices in:
Toronto
Ottawa
Oshawa
York Region (serving Thornhill, Vaughan, Markham, Richmond Hill, Aurora, and Newmarket)
We also offer online therapy across Canada, so no matter where you are, support is within reach.
Ready to take the first step?
If you're tired of feeling like you're not enough, constantly walking on eggshells, or stuck in people-pleasing patterns, therapy can help. At First Step Men’s Therapy, we work with men just like you to build confidence, improve relationships, and live more authentically.